A Little Lost

I have been at a loss for words lately. Hard to believe huh? After having Chelsea live with us for 3 months her mom felt it was time to take her back to live with her. I knew that day would come, I knew it was only temporary, but the more time went on and the more Mark and I poured our heart and soul into raising her, the harder that reality became.
With Spring Break came the day of Heart Break for Mark and I. Sarah was ready to take her back and my heart just wasn't prepared for the pain that would cause. I can't really remember the last time I cried for an entire day and could not get it together. The harder I tried to dry the tears the harder they came. Even today, a month later, tears are finding their way down my face as I try and write about it.
People wonder if after having one child if they can possibly love the next one the same. The love you feel for that first child is so overwhelming, you can't imagine you have more love to give. But then with the birth of each child you find that your heart just keeps holding more and more and you love each child the same.
I don't think my heart was prepared for how much love it would hold for a grandchild. There was instantly a bond that I don't know how to put into words. A love that consumes my heart, in every minute of every day. A love that holds so many hopes and dreams, a God-given Love.
In some aspects, I think it is a second chance at life, to give something more than maybe you were able to give to your own children. There really is nothing that can replace the wisdom we acquire from being parents. I see all the mistakes I made with my own children, we all make them no matter how hard we try to do things right, we can all look back and say we would of done something different. I don't think I was a bad parent, I am not saying that, I just see now where I could of taken more time to enjoy life instead of get through it.
And now I learn how to be a Grandparent. Just as there was no manual for becoming a parent, there is no manual for me to walk in this new role. I find myself wanting to walk in the shoes of a parent and yet knowing that that is my daughter's role now, and I have new shoes to fill. I am finding I have to think about the role I wanted my parents to play in my own children's lives, the role they had as Grandparents, and try and respect the boundaries that come with that role.
I have to be willing to step back and allow Sarah to learn, as I will have to do with all my children as they become parents. I am just not real good at stepping back and not saying anything. I want to fix the wrongs, I want to see change, I think I want to be in control and I am not.
So, I choose to just be the best Grandma I can be. I keep on loving, to keep on giving, to keep on praying. To accept the role God is giving me, and to let him lead me and guide me. I think I am a full time job for God sometimes. I can just see him waiting so patiently for me to just stop and listen. I know he will heal my heart and dry the tears. He is just asking me to trust him.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the soft faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have never insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not have worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realised that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When the kids kissed me impetuously, I would have never said, ‘Later now go get washed for dinner.’
There would have been more ‘I love yous’, more ‘I’m sorrys’,
But mostly given another shot at life,

I would seize every minute … look at it and really see it … live it … and never give it back.

Let us think about what GOD has blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. Life is too short to let it pass you by. We have only this one shot at this and then it’s gone. I hope you all have a blessed day.

The Castle Park

You just aren't American if you don't think these aren't the cutest faces you have ever seen. During Spring Break Ronda and I braved the weather and took the kids to the park. Although officially named Pioneer Park, Chelsea has named it The Castle Park and Landon calls it The Wood Park. Anyway you spell it, the kids love it. It took us 2 1/2 hours to convince Chelsea to leave so we could go to McDonalds and play there. Landon is such a good sport with Chelsea. Kinda like Ronda is with me...LOL. Chelsea and I both kinda like to be in charge, make the rules, change them to see fit, and insist it is done our way, and then Ronda and Landon both just say Okay, we can do that.

Landon was great for getting Chelsea to pose for a picture and I am not sure she knew it most of the time. She has some lessons to take from him though on how to pose. That kid has more poses and facial expressions than I ever dreamed of. LOVE IT.

They played on the slides, climbed the wall (although not one of their favorites), dug in the sand, and anything else they could find to do.

I think Chelsea is pole dancing here but not sure. I do know that Ronda had to set her camera to a very fast setting to capture her, she doesn't stay in one spot for more than a few seconds.

You about had to be there to enjoy the tire swing pictures. They weren't happy if the swing slowed down even a little bit and the higher the better. Most of the time they were sideways they were swinging so high and Chelsea would just throw her head back and laugh hysterical.

All in all, we got over 300 pictures from our outing. Not bad since my battery died in my camera as soon as I got there, Ronda brought her camera and and extra one for me. The one I had the battery went dead after about 10 pictures and Ronda's card was full. After some creative swapping of cameras and cards and a lot of

patience, we got some terrific pictures. I won't bore you with all of them, well, maybe just a few...

Dancin the Day Away

Boy, did these two ever have a fun day together. Molly and Chelsea are both girly girls and love to dress the part. After we refinished the hard wood floors we took our time in moving the furniture back in, so Chelsea thought it was her own dance studio. I think she loved the sound the shoes made on the floors. I should of tried to get video of this event but they were moving too quick, it was all I could do to snap these.
 
I give them a perfect "10" on this dance move. They are in perfect unison and I am sure they didn't have a clue. Oh, to be young again, to be so full of life.
 
Molly is always willing to pose for me when I get the camera out, and Chelsea won't let anyone get more attention from me than she is getting. This makes for fun pictures when Molly comes over to play.
 
It will be fun to watch these two cousins grow up together. I know you will find this hard to believe but Chelsea is the bossy one and Molly is the follower. This fact makes me a little nervous, as I can only imagine the places Chelsea will take Molly. I think stong supervision will be required.
 

Who ever said, "all dressed up and no place to go"? I am never afraid of a challenge, so when I needed to go to Wal Mart, I just loaded them up and away we went. I didn't say I was "smart" I just said I wasn't afraid. Molly's shoe broke in half in the store, they fought over who got to sit where in the cart, then cried because they wanted to walk. The jewels and crowns were on again and off again, they wanted a toy or two, and I wanted to go home and rest. We did get some quizzical looks though, "WHAT, we dress like this everyday, don't they know that?"

More Prettiness....

Now, just in case you are wondering....she goes into her room all by herself and comes out dressed like this. She picks out her dress, adorns herself in jewels of her choice, and today, applied make-up again. How can I not stop and take pictures.
 
On this day she chose to wear matching Princess shoes, and to wear them on the right feet. I love her fat little feet, that her Papa calls "Flintstone Feet" 
Make note of the ear-rings, they however do not match today which is okay when you are a "Princess". When in doubt, wear one of each.
 
Cheese! Once again posing for Grandma. You must remember the phase she went through where I wasn't allowed to take her picture so most of my pictures were of the back of her head as she ran away from me and the camera. I must say, I like this phase much better.
 

And, my favorite of all, when I actually get a picture of me and the Princess. It is not easy taking these pictures of myself and getting us in the lens but I am getting better at it. Maybe one day I will dress up in my best royalty attire and try a photo shoot. How much fun will that be.

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty

I just never know what she will do next. Chelsea has her own "make-up" that I believe I got her for Christmas. Great idea. More opportunities for photo shoots.

She was very proud of her cosmetology lesson, and ever so ready for me to take a picture of her beautiful make up.

Capturing these moments on film is one thing but it is another to experience them. I am learning that I have more patience than I ever thought I did, and to "not sweat the small stuff". She has got into this make up at some very inopportune times, and I have had to really check myself as to whether it was really that big of a deal. Don't be thinking I am a saint for this trait though, I recently missed a great photo opp by reacting to one of her "bad behaviour" moments, instead of capturing the moment.

Being a Grandma is the best job I have ever had. Absolutely PRICELESS!

To Blog..or not to Blog..that is the question.

Lately I have read so many heart felt posts on why they blog and how they feel about their "comments". I have to admit, the very reason I began a blog is not what motivates me to continue with it.
My dear friend Ronda introduced me to the world of blogging. I loved going to her blog daily and so wished I had one too. But why? Although Ronda is one of my dearest friends, and the pictures she posted I may of seen before, I loved the thoughts she took the time to convey through her posts.
Since I have inherited the "Stevens" (my maiden name) blood, and letter writing is practically non existant, I wanted a way to stay in touch with my family that I don't get to see, and that I fail to send pictures to, although I may have taken just a few. I wanted them to get to see my immediate family and get to watch Chelsea grow, although they don't get to see her, and some have never have seen her.
And since our children don't live at home anymore, a place for them to know what is going on in their parents lives. A place for friends I haven't seen in way too long, to know that I am still alive, and what is happening in my part of the world.
So, for months I stressed over the perfect name for my blog. As much stressing as I did over it, I think it took my new friend Lindsay who I had just met about a few minutes to tell me the name and it stuck...."I am just too much" Thank you Lindsay for helping me overcome that obstacle and for being my new friend.
So, I sat down for hours and figured out how to run this blog site, and made my first post. I was so excited. I emailed all my family, my children and friends and told them about my new adventure that I would love them to take part in.
It hasn't been what I thought it would be for them, I don't really know if any of them have ever looked at it before, or the few that have just a few times. I email them and ask if they have looked and I get no response. It stings a bit, I won't lie. Its not about them leaving a "comment" although I do love them, it just makes me wonder why in the world I continue.
Every post I make I work so hard on to share my heart. I take the time to make my words count, to share a part of my heart that you may not always see.
I have come to the conclusion that even if those people never see one thing on my blog, I will keep on. I will share my heart even if no one reads this, because it is healing for me. I re-read every post I make and it ministers to me. It gives me hope, it makes me cry, it makes me laugh. It makes me REAL. It makes me take the time to soul-search, to reflect, to remember.
So, for me, I post. If others have the time to read the words I share, I am blessed. If they comment, I love it, if they don't, I understand. In the hustle and bustle of life, we just get too busy. I so understand that.
I don't always have the time to read all my friends blogs, but I am so blessed when I do. Every one has some bit of wisdom, insight, and inspiration that I draw from. Every one different, every one unique, some I have never met before and have no idea I have been to their blog, but touched just the same.
Maybe I need to sit down and write a letter to family that I haven't been in touch with and let them know I am alive. I think I will........

Today.....I Wish

Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles-

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't have to make yourself.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.

I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...

The fastest line at the grocery store.

A good sing along song on the radio.

Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection-little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you,
holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.

I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget
It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in too much of a hurry and that you've probably forgotten your friends.

Take the time!

Kleenex Required

I find that some days are just harder than others. The past week was full of those days with Thursday and Friday being the worst. Once again the staff and students at PHS dealth with the death of a student. I spent the day Thursday in a “safe room” at the high school. For a week now Jessica had been in a coma and her family had to make the decision to take her off of all life support. So, we sat with broken students and tried to be of some comfort as they waited for the news that their friend has taken her last breath here on earth.
Thursday started with hearing that her mom was laying on the bed with her in ICU, listening to her daughter breathe and wondering which breath would be her last one. There is nothing on earth that prepares a mom for that. The heartbreak she must be feeling. So many unanswered questions, so many “what if’s” , so many “if only’s”.
On Thursday night Jessica took her last breath. Friday was just too much. I left work in the arms of my husband who heard my cries and came to me to be of any comfort he could. As hard as I tried I couldn't make the tears stop. So much emotion, so much pain. Pain for a family who has had their world turned upside down. Pain for students and staff. Pain for other losses I have had in my life...too many.
I remember laying in ICU next to my son and wondering if he could hang onto life. I remember my prayers to God, my pleading, my heartbreak. The doctors, the nurses, the specialists, x-rays, scans, the lights, the monitors. And I remember the crash, when it all hit me several days later and I wept. I remember my husband being there to once again hold me. It would be a long healing but my son lived. He recovered, he walked, and he healed. The emotional scars for all of us remain, but my God is faithful.
I am very heartbroken, but not without hope. I have a very deep faith, that although not always seen, it is what holds my life together, holds my marriage together, and holds my family together. I always have a God who is bigger than anything I face in life and he is always faithful. So, the tears are good for me, I don't cry very often, so when I do, they flow. Imagine me, being to stubborn to cry....hummmmmmm.
Being a parent is the hardest job we will ever have on earth. We rejoice when we look at our child for the first time. We are filled with so many hopes and dreams for their future. We give them all the love we have to give; we hold their hands until they can walk on their own. We try to instill in them a sense of right and wrong, values they will carry through life, we try to provide a safe, nurturing environment in which our children can grow, and to prepare them for the time when they will leave the nest, we give them roots to grow and wings to fly.
As a parent you pray that the seeds you have planted with one day grow, and that you will one day get to see the fruit. For this family, those hopes and dreams died with their daughter.
So, today I have taken time to reflect on what really is important, what really matters, what issues are the big ones and which ones aren't so big at all. None of us really know how long we have here on Earth. Only God knows that. I don't know if any of us can ever be prepared to say goodbye to a loved one, a child, a parent, a friend. I do know that I am responsible for "me" on my walk through life.
I want to do all I can to eliminate too many "what ifs", "if onlys", and "how comes". I want to do all I can to let go of unforgiveness, to right the wrongs, to love more, to give more, to live more.
To get back to what is really important: RELATIONSHIPS

So today I choose to....
Cherish every moment that life offers.
And celebrate every small pleasure.
Express my love at every chance
And allow it to unfold gracefully.
Show my devotion and dedicate my life
to the enrichment of every relationship.

To strive always for honesty and integrity.
Build upon my marriage daily.
And seek to understand others.
But above all this......
Draw upon the love I feel today
and forever etch it in my heart.

The Way I See It #273

Gotta love Starbucks. How many drinks have I had and not read the dang cup. Who would of thought? This morning the moon, stars and pupils of my eyes must of lined up and I read my cup. Somehow it really hit home with me. As I read it I thought of the times Mark and I have sat down and Chelsea crawled up in our laps with a pile of books to read to her. So often we have other things to do but are so richly rewarded when we take the time to be a "human laptop".
I miss those times with my own children, although I probably could get them to sit on my lap if I tried, not the same effect as when they were little however. I am sure I had those moments with my children, times when they climbed up in my lap and needed to be held, needed to be read to, and loved on. They just seem so long ago.
It is funny how having a grandchild brings back a flood of memories with your own children. Along with that I find myself wishing I would of taken more time to enjoy those moments. Wishing I hadn't been in such a hurry and so busy "doing" that I didn't take the time to "enjoy" like I wish I had.
With that said, Lord, Make me a human laptop. May my children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and anyone else who needs a lap to crawl onto, always know that they are welcome.

All children need a laptop.
Not a computer, but a human laptop.
Moms, Dads, Grannies and Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles – someone to hold them, read to them, teach them.
Loved ones who will embrace them and pass on the experience, rituals and knowledge of a hundred previous generations.
Loved ones who will pass to the next generation their expectations of them, their hopes, and their dreams.
-- General Colin L. PowellFounder, America’s Promise – the Alliance for Youth.

Happy Birthday Princess

One Princess.
Four Candles.
Presents, cake, and family.
A royal event.

And look, jewels and a crown.

And a new princess gown complete with more jewelry, tiara and shoes to match. And a cousin to play dress up with. No problem getting you to pose for this special day.

Four years ago today, I paced the floor at the hospital, anxiously awaiting her arrival. I can still remember the joy I felt in hearing myself say, "I am a Grandma". I never would of imagined that one person could change a world in the way she has changed ours.
I love being her Grandma.
I love that twinkle she has in her eye.
I love her personality.
I love her hugs and "I love you's"
I love listening to her pray at night.
My heart melts when I hear her say Gramma and Papa.
My heart is full today, as I cherish every day of the past 4 years.
I just love "watching Chelsea grow".
Happy Birtdday my little Princess.

Losing Weight

There is a reason I do not own a scale....they LIE! So, for fear of bad news I haven't gone to weigh in in two weeks. This is bad behavior. I admit it. I really like how my friend Amy did her last post, she tracked how many miles she had gone while exercising this past week. I so could do that. It will be easy to track last week, that would be "0" miles...big fat goose egg. I know that my temperment would be slightly better if I would just go do it. Since I figured out how to "weigh in" in my previous post, I have now figured out why I can't lose weight.
Am I discouraged you ask? Heck no. It takes more than that to knock me down. When the scale stops lying to me and my pants quit shrinking in the waist I will announce weight loss in pounds, until then, you get miles.

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" Button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!" (Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

How To Weigh Yourself

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.
Weighing in is one of my biggest battles. That (%#%^ scale lies to me every week. I work out, I watch what I am eating, I spit every drop of moisture I have before I walk in the door, I wear the lightest clothes I have, and even stand backwards on the scale and NOTHING!!!!
Finally, I figure it out. I never even thought of this one and can't wait to share it at WW next week when I go to weigh in. Since they never know what I am going to say or do when I come to weigh in, I am sure this one will blow them out of the water. And if that dang scale gives me bad news, I am bustacating it all over the place.

Winter Wonderland

Life just doesn't get much better than this. I love the snow and have been waiting for the day that I could go outside with Chelsea and build our first snowman together. Everytime Ronda tells me it is snowing on the mountain I ask her if it is good snowman snow.
Although yesterday wasn't the greatest snow for making a snowman, it packed but didn't want to roll into a ball, Chelsea and I bundled up in our best snow gear and away we went. I only wish Papa could of been here to capture more of our day in pictures.
We shoveled the walks twice, by the time I got to the end of the sidewalk it had snowed so much I had to start over. After that we saved that job for Papa, we had more important things to do.
My best solution to not being able to make a snowball was to get us each a bucket and pack them with snow and to keep stacking snow that way until we could shape our snowman. Chelsea was a trooper and packed and hauled snow for over two hours.

It was so much fun to watch Chelsea run through the snow, crawl in it, jump in it, and even try and catch some on her tongue. Now who taught her that? Wasn't me this time. I must say it is pretty cute though.

And the fruit of our labor.....Frosty the snowman, who Chelsea told me is a girl. I don't think Mark has noticed yet that I broke branches off a tree in the yard for the arms. I knew I was keeping that cute straw hat for something besides a yard sale, and I must say, the mini carrot nose tops Mrs. Frosty off quite nicely.

Our hair was soaked, along with everything we were wearing, our faces were red and Lord knows what all came our of Chelsea's nose during our adventure, but I will never forget this day.
These are the special times, times I'll remember, times I will cherish forever.

ABCs

Okay, this has got to be the most pathetic thing I have ever seen. All day Chelsea had been singing songs and wanted me to take her picture. So when I got the camera out, she just stopped. I told her that was okay and put the camera down. Well, that was not what she wanted and put on such a cute display of spoiled rotten behavior I have ever seen. After all the tears were cleaned up I told her I would turn the camera back on and wait for her to sing. What follows is the saddest version of ABC's I think you have seen.

Notice the attire.....Cute Pink nightgown and princess shoes (on the wrong feet). The feather helps to keep balance and keep her on tune. I think the fact that after hours of Stacey and I trying to get this video to turn, it is just appropriate that it is sideways.