A Little Lost

I have been at a loss for words lately. Hard to believe huh? After having Chelsea live with us for 3 months her mom felt it was time to take her back to live with her. I knew that day would come, I knew it was only temporary, but the more time went on and the more Mark and I poured our heart and soul into raising her, the harder that reality became.
With Spring Break came the day of Heart Break for Mark and I. Sarah was ready to take her back and my heart just wasn't prepared for the pain that would cause. I can't really remember the last time I cried for an entire day and could not get it together. The harder I tried to dry the tears the harder they came. Even today, a month later, tears are finding their way down my face as I try and write about it.
People wonder if after having one child if they can possibly love the next one the same. The love you feel for that first child is so overwhelming, you can't imagine you have more love to give. But then with the birth of each child you find that your heart just keeps holding more and more and you love each child the same.
I don't think my heart was prepared for how much love it would hold for a grandchild. There was instantly a bond that I don't know how to put into words. A love that consumes my heart, in every minute of every day. A love that holds so many hopes and dreams, a God-given Love.
In some aspects, I think it is a second chance at life, to give something more than maybe you were able to give to your own children. There really is nothing that can replace the wisdom we acquire from being parents. I see all the mistakes I made with my own children, we all make them no matter how hard we try to do things right, we can all look back and say we would of done something different. I don't think I was a bad parent, I am not saying that, I just see now where I could of taken more time to enjoy life instead of get through it.
And now I learn how to be a Grandparent. Just as there was no manual for becoming a parent, there is no manual for me to walk in this new role. I find myself wanting to walk in the shoes of a parent and yet knowing that that is my daughter's role now, and I have new shoes to fill. I am finding I have to think about the role I wanted my parents to play in my own children's lives, the role they had as Grandparents, and try and respect the boundaries that come with that role.
I have to be willing to step back and allow Sarah to learn, as I will have to do with all my children as they become parents. I am just not real good at stepping back and not saying anything. I want to fix the wrongs, I want to see change, I think I want to be in control and I am not.
So, I choose to just be the best Grandma I can be. I keep on loving, to keep on giving, to keep on praying. To accept the role God is giving me, and to let him lead me and guide me. I think I am a full time job for God sometimes. I can just see him waiting so patiently for me to just stop and listen. I know he will heal my heart and dry the tears. He is just asking me to trust him.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the soft faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have never insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not have worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realised that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When the kids kissed me impetuously, I would have never said, ‘Later now go get washed for dinner.’
There would have been more ‘I love yous’, more ‘I’m sorrys’,
But mostly given another shot at life,

I would seize every minute … look at it and really see it … live it … and never give it back.

Let us think about what GOD has blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. Life is too short to let it pass you by. We have only this one shot at this and then it’s gone. I hope you all have a blessed day.