I find that some days are just harder than others. The past week was full of those days with Thursday and Friday being the worst. Once again the staff and students at PHS dealth with the death of a student. I spent the day Thursday in a “safe room” at the high school. For a week now Jessica had been in a coma and her family had to make the decision to take her off of all life support. So, we sat with broken students and tried to be of some comfort as they waited for the news that their friend has taken her last breath here on earth.
Thursday started with hearing that her mom was laying on the bed with her in ICU, listening to her daughter breathe and wondering which breath would be her last one. There is nothing on earth that prepares a mom for that. The heartbreak she must be feeling. So many unanswered questions, so many “what if’s” , so many “if only’s”.
On Thursday night Jessica took her last breath. Friday was just too much. I left work in the arms of my husband who heard my cries and came to me to be of any comfort he could. As hard as I tried I couldn't make the tears stop. So much emotion, so much pain. Pain for a family who has had their world turned upside down. Pain for students and staff. Pain for other losses I have had in my life...too many.
I remember laying in ICU next to my son and wondering if he could hang onto life. I remember my prayers to God, my pleading, my heartbreak. The doctors, the nurses, the specialists, x-rays, scans, the lights, the monitors. And I remember the crash, when it all hit me several days later and I wept. I remember my husband being there to once again hold me. It would be a long healing but my son lived. He recovered, he walked, and he healed. The emotional scars for all of us remain, but my God is faithful.
I am very heartbroken, but not without hope. I have a very deep faith, that although not always seen, it is what holds my life together, holds my marriage together, and holds my family together. I always have a God who is bigger than anything I face in life and he is always faithful. So, the tears are good for me, I don't cry very often, so when I do, they flow. Imagine me, being to stubborn to cry....hummmmmmm.
Being a parent is the hardest job we will ever have on earth. We rejoice when we look at our child for the first time. We are filled with so many hopes and dreams for their future. We give them all the love we have to give; we hold their hands until they can walk on their own. We try to instill in them a sense of right and wrong, values they will carry through life, we try to provide a safe, nurturing environment in which our children can grow, and to prepare them for the time when they will leave the nest, we give them roots to grow and wings to fly.
As a parent you pray that the seeds you have planted with one day grow, and that you will one day get to see the fruit. For this family, those hopes and dreams died with their daughter.
So, today I have taken time to reflect on what really is important, what really matters, what issues are the big ones and which ones aren't so big at all. None of us really know how long we have here on Earth. Only God knows that. I don't know if any of us can ever be prepared to say goodbye to a loved one, a child, a parent, a friend. I do know that I am responsible for "me" on my walk through life.
I want to do all I can to eliminate too many "what ifs", "if onlys", and "how comes". I want to do all I can to let go of unforgiveness, to right the wrongs, to love more, to give more, to live more.
To get back to what is really important: RELATIONSHIPS
So today I choose to....
Cherish every moment that life offers.
And celebrate every small pleasure.
Express my love at every chance
And allow it to unfold gracefully.
Show my devotion and dedicate my life
to the enrichment of every relationship.
To strive always for honesty and integrity.
Build upon my marriage daily.
And seek to understand others.
But above all this......
Draw upon the love I feel today
and forever etch it in my heart.
